Substitute Writer
by Shazzar
Summary: The Earth is mostly harmless. This story adds something to the list.


Substitute Writer

In the universe there are several different jobs that one could do to occupy their time. For instance on Thornax seven there are beings that paid to spit on plants, on Saridonia you can get paid to poke things with really big sticks. But no job is as bizarre as on Earth there are things that are paid large sums of money just to spew burst of air at people, which sometimes even the babble fish couldn't translate. This was the sort of thing that Arthur had to deal with everyday because of his job at the BBC, taking care of idiots who talked and talked, without the slightest care about who heard or how much they were sued. But one day Arthur had had enough, he quit his job and was giving his old boss lip, the kind of lip that an angry house wife would give a cat or a disobedient child, and it took on this tone starting with Arthur screaming at the top of his lungs and his boss calling security, and then Arthur being tossed out of the building. He landed on his bum and was shook up badly. As the guard turned to leave, Arthur shouted at him.

"Yeah go back to your minimum wage job, I bet the wife loves the income you get!" But the guard was back inside by the time he finished and Arthur was still cross. He stood up and continued to be cross all the way home. He mumbled and complained to himself as he walked.

"Stupid planet! Here I've been to the end of the universe and now this, I mean come on." When he finally reached his house he opened the door and walked in side. He remand cross for several hours until he decided to go to bed saying, "I'll end this day just to begin again tomorrow."

He had only been asleep for an hour before a bright light shown through his window.

"What in the name of the universe could that be?" Arthur not being too startled got out of bed and opened the window. He was surprised when Ford Prefect thrust first his head and then the rest of him through the window and stood in his room, it was an even greater surprise when Arthur got a good look at what his was wearing. "Arthur I need a favor." Ford was very direct when it came to favors. Arthur couldn't answer he was too busy Being awestruck by the suit that Ford had on, but he finally asked. "Where in the universe did you get the Elvis outfit?" Ford shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh get off it and do me this favor." Arthur scrambled to his feet and shook his head one more time at Fords costume.

"Why would you wear such a thing, it's completely out of style." Arthur mumbled which made Ford very annoyed.

"Will you forget the suit and help me." Arthur, who was still mesmerized by Fords clothing nodded.

"Good, now follow me." Ford said as he grabbed Arthur's hand and led him to the window.

"Where are we going to?" Arthur tried to ask, but was suddenly yanked out of the window by Ford who had just jumped out of it. Instead of falling a story, Arthur found himself standing inside of what looked like a rubber ball.

"Where am I, Ford?" Arthur looked as hard as he could but he couldn't see Ford anywhere. He wondered around, because that is the only direction he could go, but nothing happened. Suddenly there was Fords voice.

"Arthur can you hear me." Arthur Had heard him but didn't know what to ask first.

"Arthur I know you're in there, can you hear me?" Ford tried again.

"Ford where are you, and more importantly where am I?" Arthur was finally able to chock out.

"It's a thought bubble." Ford replied.

A thought bubble the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy says is a place where all your thoughts past, present and future meet. It was originally used for city construction meetings between Mayors and Foremen. The device was put later in the back office for the privet use of the Mayor.

A copy of the guide landed on the floor in front of Arthur.

"Now Arthur I need you to write a part about Earth, then we'll be even." The voice disappeared and Arthur felt alone.

"A favor, what favor do I owe him?" Arthur picked up the guide and opened it to the section on Earth.

"What to write?" Arthur had been thinking for an hour at least.

"I don't know what to write." Said a voice near him. Arthur was startled and looked in the direction the voice had come from, and to his surprise he saw another him sitting the same way he was starring at him.

"Who are you?" They both said at the same time. The first Arthur didn't know what to do until he realized the other him didn't have a copy of the guide.

"Who are you?" Arthur said, the copy shrugged.

"What no answer." Arthur was suddenly hit with a sense of that he had done this before. Then Arthur felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Whose there?" Arthur turned around to see another copy.

"Are you going to talk?" The copy said at which Arthur was alarmed because that was exactly what he was going to say to the other one, who was still avoiding his question.

"I need help writing this for the guide." The copy said trying to get his attention, and it was then that Arthur knew what to write.

After Ford had put Arthur in the thought bubble, he went to the pub. Drink after drink and when Ford was quite drunk he began to tell a certain story of how he had single handedly written for a very famous book to the other highly inebriated people.

"And that's how it happened." Ford bragged as he watched his crowd dwindle until it was just him and the bar keeper.

"Time for me to close up now, so best for you to get." The bar keeper said as he helped Ford out the door. Ford stood and shook off the extra drinks.

"Let's go see How Arthur has gotten on." He said as he walked back to where he had left Arthur. When he reached the bubble he opened it only to discover three Arthur's playing cards.

"Hi Ford where have you been?" The Arthur on the far side said. Ford put his hand on his head.

"Is this what you've been up to playing with yourself?" Ford said in an overly annoyed tone. Arthur stood, said good bye to his past self and hello to his future self.

"Alright Ford here I'm going back to bed." Arthur exited the open sphere and handed Ford the guide, then he went inside his house and went to bed. Ford was dumbfounded when he opened the guide to Earth. The section started like this;

The Earth is mostly harmless, and the people are sacks of water, viruses, and stupidity.

Ford closed the book and slumped to the ground. He was about to cry when he realized he could add something new. The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy now has this to say about the Earth.

The Earth is mostly harmless, and the people are sacks of water, viruses, and stupidity. They also do not like doing favors.


End file.
